Double Trouble

Obviously, I'm a little behind.  I've watched at least eight more Elvis movies!  But you'll understand that blogging about these things during the holidays is nigh on impossible.  However, N and I settled in to some tea, muffins, fruit snacks, and Double Trouble to nurse away our traditional New Year's hangovers.

I've also decided that I give up on actually offering a full-on recap of the films.  From now on you'll be getting a "what Erin remembers" version of the movie.  Deal with it!

I guess I'm here to sing to you or something.

So, chubby-and-bored-looking era Elvis is singing in a swingin' 60's nightclub.  It is exactly as painfully awkward as it sounds.  A brunette lady with huge hair admires Elvis/Guy (for reasons unknown) and he chats her up a bit before a terrifying alien woman enters and captures his attention.  I guess we all have our fetishes.  The bass player emerges with an, I shit you not, wig-head and dyed-mop amalgamation of this alien lady on top of his bass - and Elvis/Guy sings a love song to it.  What?  Is this gonna turn into some HR Pufnstuf type shit?

Anyway, Elvis/Guy gets the alien-girl, whose name is apparently Jillian, up to his place.  She proceeds to make tea, be annoyingly English, and deflect all of Elvis/Guy's physical advances.  She (finally, mercifully) leaves and Elvis/Guy gets punched in the face by a random dude who comes to his door.

He awakes the next morning on the floor of his kitchen.  He gets a phone call from Gerald - Jillian's uncle, who wants to meet Elvis/Guy and make sure he's on the level.  Why Elvis/Guy agrees to go is a mystery to me and anyone who had to listen to this girl talk for three minutes.

Turns out alien-lady Jillian is loaded.  She's the heir to a fortune from her uncle.  The problem is she's also 17.  She totally turns 18 next week though!  Elvis/Guy is, understandably, angry that she lied to him and he leaves to hit his next tour spot in Antwerp.  Jillian and her uncle agree that she should be sent to some boarding school in.... somewhere.  Whatever that piece of information is, it leads her to be on the same Titanic-looking boat as Elvis/Guy.

On this inexplicable boat, we also meet two jewel thieves - one of whom plays Norm in A Hard Day's Night.  They sneak their stolen diamonds into the lining of Elvis/Guy's suitcase and then spend the rest of the movie as the "comic" "relief" by bumbling around trying to get the diamonds back.  Eventually they do.

Jillian tells Elvis/Guy that she loves him, and is generally clingy and irritating.  I hate her almost as much as I hated Laurel Dodge from Girls! Girls! Girls!

Your feelings disgust Elvis, little girl.

Somehow she convinces Elvis/Guy to take her with him around Antwerp.  I think it has something to do with her uncle beating her.  She emerges into their hotel room wearing what seems to the viewer to be a 70's mumu - but it's implied that this garment is somehow sexual.  Elvis/Guy talks to Jillian while covering her in every piece of clothing she owns - even over her arms, rendering her essentially rolled up in a carpet.  It resulted in this conversation:

N: Maybe he's physically incapacitating her so he can push her out the window and into the canal without a struggle.

Me: Come on.  You know dreams don't come true.

Anyway, the cut to Antwerp makes it seem like a place that no sane human being ever wants to go.  Seriously.  There are clowns tumbling everywhere, mimes, guys firing cap guns into your face every five minutes, and creepy-ass papier-mached heads abound.

And, true to form, Elvis is working on international relations.

I should mention that someone is trying to kill Jillian.  Like heavy trunks fall out of windows and just barely miss her, cars come screeching out of nowhere to try to hit her, etc.

The brunette Elvis/Guy was talking to at the beginning is also in Antwerp, which he interprets as sexy stalking and doesn't find suspicious or threatening in any way.

It turns out that this brunette is in cahoots with Uncle Gerald to try to kill Jillian and, thereby, get all her inheritance money.  But in the interrim:

Hired Goon tries to push Jillian down the oldest well in Antwerp.  Elvis/Guy shows up just in time to murder the guy.  Seriously.  And then they sing "Old MacDonald" on the getaway ride they pick up.

 Not pictured: my soul dying.

Elvis/Guy and Jillian try to hitch a ride on an ancient-looking steamboat.  We are introduced briefly to the captain and first mate, who are talking about blowing up the boat (which never has any passengers) for the insurance money, while they get away on a lifeboat.  Needless to say, they find a reason not to let Elvis/Guy and Jillian travel with them. 

The three most irritating policeman in the history of the universe are sent to arrest Elvis/Guy for kidnapping Jillian.  Uncle Gerald shows up to gloat about the arrest, but Elvis/Guy demands that they hold Gerald til midnight (when Jillian turns 18) so he can't murder her himself.  Gerald makes one phone call, to the brunette (dun dun duuuuun) - who Elvis/Guy told to pick up Jillian hours earlier, not knowing she was a slutty hellbitch.

Elvis/Guy eventually figures out the game and jumps through a freakin' window in the police station to get to brunette's house before she kills Jillian.  There is a "zany" car-chase, but, surprise!, he gets there in time, Uncle Gerald and brunette are arrested, and not-dead Jillian marries Elvis/Guy.

They sail away on board the ancient steamboat with our old sailor friends from half an hour ago and the jewel thieves.  Just as Elvis/Guy and Jillian lean in for a kiss the boat blows the fuck up and, as N and I sat there thinking this was suddenly the best Elvis movie of all time, it is revealed that everyone survived and is laughing as they cling to various pieces of boat debris.

Damn it.

Elvis Hotness:  None.  This is just before his ultimate low in Clambake.  Homeboy is all chubby and has weird bangs.

The Stinger:

(ELVIS/GUY pours himself a glass of congratulatory wine after rescuing JILLIAN and ensuring the arrest of BRUNETTE and UNCLE GERALD.)

JILLIAN: Oh, I love you, Guy!  Say that you love me.

ELVIS/GUY:  (As if this were being wrenched from him against his will.)  Alright, I love you. (JILLIAN flings herself into his arms.) Watch the wine!

Best Number:  "Long Legged Girl (With A Short Dress On)".

Tickle Me

We pick up on Elvis/Lonnie crooning, head out of the window of a Greyhound bus.  He is clearly too excited about wherever he's headed to worry about all the bugs he is, no doubt, ingesting.  He chooses to depart the bus in what looks like Frontierland.

Where's that Big Thunder Mountain Railroad I've heard so much about?

Turns out this is a real place, and Elvis/Lonnie picks up his saddle (seriously) and heads into the bar that apparently serves as the town's bus stop.  In my opinion, all towns should be this brilliant.  We overhear some guy saying that the sheriff is out of town for a couple of weeks (FORESHADOWINGOMG) before Elvis/Lonnie inquires of the bartender the whereabouts of Pete Bowman.  Pete has just skipped town, and with him has skipped the job that was promised to Elvis/Lonnie to tide him over until he can ride the broncos again.  Bartender eyes the guitar that Elvis/Lonnie is carrying and says that he can maybe give him a singing gig until rodeo season starts.  I was unaware that rodeos had a "season", but you learn valuable lessons from Elvis movies.

Elvis/Lonnie's singing goes over quite well, especially with the ladies.  Elvis/Lonnie's style has impressed Vera Redford, a slightly older woman who owns the Circle Z Ranch.  She offers Elvis/Lonnie a job and he gladly accepts it, without really knowing what it is.
 

There are bitches all over the gates when Elvis/Lonnie arrives and he smirks as if to say "I should smug my way into jobs more often".  It turns out the job is tending the horses on the Circle Z.  Vera asks her square-headed second-in-command, Bradley, to show Elvis/Lonnie to his bunk.  The two are catty at each other, Vera's affections being a point of contention for Bradley.  Elvis/Lonnie however becomes distracted by the buxom aerobics instructor that is ever so subtly bending over just as the dudes walk by.

So, I couldn't help but notice your negligible white shorts.

Elvis/Lonnie smarms at her, but as they walk away Bradley assures him that Pam (the girl) is not interested in every dude that wanders into the Circle Z.  Bradley leaves Elvis/Lonnie with his roommate/new sidekick Stanley Potter, who informs him that the Circle Z is a fat farm.  They truly do God's work by jiggling and starving the girls until they're pretty!  Elvis/Lonnie says that the girls he saw were totally not in need of such a treatment, but Stanley, ever the classy guy, says that those were the "after" girls - and you don't even want to see the "before" girls.  Why, they probably have 26 inch waists!

Elvis/Lonnie does, indeed, tend to the horses - but also spends every spare moment trying to nail Pam.  At a certain point his rockabilly antics are distracting the girls too much and Bradley whines to Vera that the girls can't possibly become thin while they are busy swooning over dreamy-ass Elvis/Lonnie.  Vera half-heartedly says, yeah, she'll take care of it.  Of course by "take care of it" she means "slut it up in Elvis/Lonnie's direction".  Pam is disgusted with Vera's attentions, declaring Elvis/Lonnie to be a "sagebrush lothario".  If I ever start a band, you can bet that Sagebrush Lothario will be our name.

 

Ladies, ladies - there's plenty of Elvis to go around.  Especially if you hang out til 1975.

Anyway, Pam fumes into her front door and - homg! - a masked figure climbs in through the window and demands to know where her grandfather's letter is.  Pam screams and Elvis/Lonnie comes to the rescue.  The two struggle for a while (and Elvis/Lonnie gets a chance to trot out his karate moves) before Pam clocks Elvis/Lonnie with a vase.  She was aiming for the bad guy, but she's a woman, you see.  In the ensuing confusion the bad guy gets away.  When the Police Officer Guy shows up he says that this is clearly Pam's own fault - she's been asking too many questions around town(?) to find out where her grandfather's ultra-secret treasure is buried!  Thanks for blaming the victim, Police Officer Douchebag.

Next morning Elvis/Lonnie and Bradley finally start throwing punches.  Pam, to her credit, is annoyed and drives off to "town" in a jeep.  We see her wander into an abandoned saloon with the letter she said she didn't have.... and stare at a wall for a while.  Seriously, is this how she's been trying to find the treasure?  No wonder she hasn't fucking found it yet.  Elvis/Lonnie surprises her, saying that maybe she shouldn't be wandering off alone considering masked dudes are trying to kill her, and they have a mutual Nyquil-type hallucination about what the place must have been like in the old days.  Elvis/Lonnie is a good-guy cowboy that orders milk from the bar, Pam is the showgirl with a heart of gold.  The hallucination-saloon-world makes Pam let her guard down and they totally kiss.

They head back to the Circle Z, where there is a big patron luau.  Who the hell would be the patron of a fat farm?  I have no idea.  General non-comedy occurs revolving around the not-fat girls trying to get some more food and Elvis/Lonnie gets a little too chummy with some pretty girls while performing.  Pam is less than pleased (because obviously since they've kissed once he is her property now) and storms off back to her bunk, something of a motif with her.  Two masked dudes show up and attempt to kidnap her, which she prevents by struggling and screaming for help.  Elvis/Lonnie and Stanley to the rescue!  They kick some ass but Pam, again because she's a woman, manages to get both Elvis/Lonnie and Stanley knocked out - so the bad guys, again, get away!

Police Officer Douchebag is seen pulling over the getaway car - but all he does is chide the two guys for not completing their mission!  ZOMG CONSPIRACY!

Vera calls Elvis/Lonnie into her office and says she wants to make his position permanent.  Like "boning the boss" permanent.  Then she kinda makes out with him.  Pam sees the whole thing, much to Elvis/Lonnie's horror.  Their ensuing fight results in Elvis/Lonnie quitting the Circle Z and heading out to the rodeo.

Elvis/Lonnie is absolute shit at the rodeo (which, it turns out, runs all year?) and calls Pam constantly, although she refuses to speak to him.  Stanley tracks Elvis/Lonnie down and says hey, bro, she is a mess since you left.  Elvis/Lonnie agrees to go back with Stanley to the Circle Z.

Pam sees Elvis/Lonnie just long enough to climb in her trusty fit-throwing jeep and drive off.  Elvis/Lonnie and Stanley follow her into the ghost town (like does she know any other place?) and they argue just as a convenient sexy rainstorm starts.  They decide that, hey, it's either stay in this abandoned hotel or die a rain-related death in the open-top cars - so they settle in for the night.  Predictably, the sneaky treasure-hunting police-cronies are about the place - but they're in some Scooby Doo style masks.  After some crazy room-swapping hilarious antics, Elvis/Lonnie outsmarts the guys by luring them through a classic second-story-doorway-that-goes-nowhere.

There's nothing suspicious about this doorway, why do you ask?

Stanley, being the lovable oaf that he is, manages to walk through this doorway and crash through to the cellar where they find - you guessed it - the treasure!  Police Officer Douchebag shows up just as they are deciding what to name their gold-covered white tigers and demands the loot.  Elvis/Lonnie legit karate kicks the gun out of POD's hand and Pam clocks him (the right guy!) on the head.  Bradley shows up, having been told by Vera to follow Pam when she ran off for fear of her safety, and unmasks the other two guys.  They're the two ranchhands at the Circle Z!  Jeepers!

They're rich!  Elvis/Lonnie and Pam get married at the Circle Z - Elvis/Lonnie clad in the traditional Colonel Sanders suit for the occasion. 

What the fuck?!  There was no song called "Tickle Me"!! 

Elvis Hotness:  Meh.  I'd say this is the lukewarm period.  He isn't hot, but he isn't on the down-swing yet.

The Stinger:  PAM: (to ELVIS/LONNIE) You prairie gigolo!!

Best Number:   As evidenced by the title, "Dirty Dirty Feeling".

Girls! Girls! Girls!

Not to be confused with the Motley Crue song.

All the exclamation points actually made me think of an evil villain whose army consists of winged she-beasts and who screams "GIRLS!  GIRLS!  GIIIIIIIRLS!" as they swirl around him before going out to kill the hero.

But I digress.

The movie opens with a cornerstone of Presley films - water-skiing!!  Elvis/Ross is the captain of a boat, he takes rich guys (and their horny-for-Elvis-wives) out on fishing trips, along with his first mate Kin Yung.  Elvis/Ross and his dad built the boat themselves before he passed away.  The boat (The Westwind) now belongs to Elvis/Ross' kindly foreign employer, Mr. Stavros.  Mr. Stavros, however, has some terrible news - his doctor has advised him to relocate to a drier climate, which means he'll have to sell The Westwind!  Elvis/Ross has to come up with some serious cash, and quickly, if he wants to keep the boat.

He heads over to a local nightclub where Robin, a girl he seems to have a Biblical past with, is a singer.  Robin pouts at him and waxes bitchy about the whole boat situation.  Elvis/Ross decides to sing nights at the club to make some boat-buying cash.  At the club we are introduced to the lady who will become the most insufferable Elvis film heroine of the entire canon: Laurel fucking Dodge.

Run, Elvis!  Her bangs have evil powers!

She's there with a drunk guy who, typically, tries to start a fight with Elvis/Ross.  She runs after Elvis/Ross as he leaves, to apologize and say that she "barely knows" the drunk guy.  Elvis/Ross offers to take her out the next day (after assuming he's going home with her.... awkwaaaaaard) and we see her walk into a hotel and generally act crazy.  She literally walks in and says she needs a room, but she has 30 parrots and refuses to go anywhere without them.  The concierge is like "???" and she calmly walks out like nothing happened.

This is the part of the movie where I genuinely hoped Elvis/Ross had fallen for an insane woman.  It would have been so much better.

After no explanation of the hotel-parrot story, Elvis/Ross meets Laurel for their date and says: you're coming with me to my boss' anniversary!  Laurel (and everyone) is charmed by how sweet Elvis/Ross is to the adorable old Greek couple.  Elvis/Ross is charmed by how Laurel... sits there.  And has weird bangs.  And is generally helpless.

Elvis/Ross takes Laurel to the nearby island where Kin Yung's family lives.  His parents treat Elvis/Ross like a son, and they insist that he and his girl spend the night instead of trying to fight the oncoming storm.  They have a fun, and vaguely racist, time as Elvis/Ross sings in Chinese with two adorable little girls.  

Elvis/Ross and Laurel both can't sleep through the storm and have an elliptical and strange conversation on the porch that seems to be about how much they like each other.

But then, gasp, a rival fisherman, Johnson, buys The Westwind!  Elvis/Ross storms into his office and demands that he hire him as part of his crew so he can buy the boat from him.  Johnson acts like a tool, drinks like a fish, smokes a cigar and takes Elvis/Ross for everything he has.  He'll hire him, but on a pithy wage and an even pithier percentage toward the boat, which he's priced at $4,000 more than he bought it for from Stavros.

Elvis/Ross misses a date with Laurel when he gets asked to cover a singing shift.  Laurel goes looking for him (like any woman who had known him for 3 days would do) and, when she finds him singing onstage at the club, assumes that this somehow means he was there to bone Robin.  Elvis/Ross comes to her apartment the next day to explain: he is working two jobs to pay for his boat!  It's totally legit!  He manages to overlook the fact that Laurel is not only a typical clingy-jealous type, but also a God damned idiot who sets her kitchen on fire within the five minutes he's been there.  The girl has no personality and she can't cook?  WHAT.  THE.  HELL.  

Then they hear her neighbors sexin' and Elvis/Ross sings a tango number while crazy Mary Poppins/Gumby type shit happens around the apartment.  It takes a second to realize that you are not, in fact, high.

Doesn't a pie sound fucking delicious right now?

Laurel takes a job in a hat shop, for reasons that are apparently none of the audience's business.  She also walks into Johnson's office and buys The Westwind.  It turns out she's secretly rich and, like all woman of character, all she had to do was whine at her dad on the phone for the $10,000 to buy the boat.  Johnson is suuuuuuuper gross and grabby at her, confessing that he's an alcoholic as he all but grabs her tits.  She makes him promise never to tell anyone that she bought the boat.

There is also some weird confrontation between Laurel and Robin that I didn't really understand.  I imagine there was supposed to be some Which Girl Will He Choose drama, but really we only see Elvis/Ross talk to Robin a couple of times.  It was about as suspenseful as a traffic light.

Anyway, Elvis/Ross is devastated to find that The Westwind has been sold.  Laurel, however, swoops in and is like - I bought it, you moron.  Elvis/Ross is initially all proud and bitchy and male about it, but succumbs to Laurel's charms(?) and they sail away in the sunset together. 

Elvis/Ross says that it's just a boat - he's over it.  Laurel has clearly helped him develop his inner boat.

It is only then that Elvis/Ross sings the titular song.  On the Chinese-populated island, where somehow it becomes like an It's A Small World-themed lady parade.

Elvis Hotness: Present and accounted for.  Especially in his little all-black get-up for "The Walls Have Ears".  Well played, Mr. Presley.  Well played.

The Stinger:  When all the girls of different nationalities prance about at the end.  Where did they come from?!  Why is it called "Girls! Girls! Girls!"?  There were only two girls in the whole movie!

Best Number:  Return to Sender.

Jailhouse Rock

After Clambake, we knew we had seen Elvis at his (almost) worst.  To give the guy a break, we decided to watch Jailhouse Rock next.

An older lady sidles up to Elvis/Vince at the bar.  She is totally drunk and cougary at him, but he takes it with gentle good humor (which, as we learn, is some kind of big fucking surprise coming from this dude).  An equally drunk older man comes over and is like YOU FUCK MY WIFE?  YOU FUCK MY WIFE?  YOU FUCK MY WIFE?  Elvis/Vince says Nah, bro, it ain't even like that.  Drunky doesn't listen and fires a punch at Elvis/Vince anyway.  Not one to back down, Elvis/Vince punches Drunky back.  Drunky falls backwards and slams his head into a jukebox.  Elvis/Vince is horrified as some barflies run in to check Drunky's pulse.  Drunky is dead, Elvis/Vince!

Yeah, the movie opens with Elvis/Vince murdering a guy.

We, the jury, find you guilty of reckless smoldering.

But, because this is 1957, Elvis/Vince is only serving like.... eighteen months.  Seriously.  For manslaughter.  His cellie is an old con named Hunk Houghton - who, let's be real, is kind of a dick to Elvis/Vince.  All the same, he has a guitar hanging in the cell and offers to teach Elvis/Vince a thing or two on it.  Hunk used to be a country musician before he got picked up for [insert crime here, I wasn't really listening].  Hunk is also something of a king-pin in the prison barter system and is able to get Elvis/Vince off of shirtless coal-shoveling duty (much to the chagrin of everyone who is sexually inclined towards men) and onto less-shirtless kitchen duty.

Hunk also gets to decide who to showcase in an upcoming televised Prisoner Talent Show (or something) and, banking on the kid's voice and good looks, chooses Elvis/Vince - who does not disappoint.  The two make a deal to perform together once they get out of prison.  Hunk hopes to use the kid's talent to get ahead in the music industry on the outside, so he concocts a scheme to hide all of Elvis/Vince's fan-mail from the television appearance.  Elvis/Vince continues being just another prisoner, but dreams of being a singer once he gets out.  Also, being the loose cannon that he is - he punches a guard and gets whipped as punishment.  

Sexy, sexy punishment.

Elvis/Vince is upset about the whipping, for some reason.  Hunk says that he tried to bribe the guards not to do it, but he couldn't come up with enough money.  Hunk also says that he isn't going to offer any sympathy - because the world is a cruel, unforgiving place and Elvis/Vince needs to deal with that fact.  Yeah, thanks for being a dick, Hunk.

Elvis/Vince is released from the slammer a couple of months later.  His first play is to hit a bar/showroom where Hunk has a connection and ask for a job singing.  He vaguely hits on a girl at the bar who says that she works for a record label and begs the manager to give him a shot onstage.  He... does poorly, to say the least.  There's a dude in the front that won't stop guffawing at his date, and Elvis/Vince reacts like any sane person: by smashing him over the head with his guitar.  Elvis/Vince and the girl, Peggy, leave together.  Elvis/Vince generally Brandos at her for a while and she, for some reason, is utterly charmed.  She offers to help this young, surly upstart get a gig singing.  He is like yeah, sure, whatever babe.

He enters his room at the halfway-house and opens all the fan letters, which the warden gave him upon his departure from prison.  He only has to open one to horrify me: the girl says hey whazzup, here is my phone number, I have blue eyes and brown hair, my measurements are 36-24-35, etc.  I wish I were joking.

Dear Elvis, please come murder me.

Elvis/Vince realizes he really has something here!  The ladies love him and he loves to sing, so obviously he can make this whole music career work.  He and Peggy visit a contact of hers, who hems and haws before agreeing to keep Elvis/Vince's demo overnight for a listen.  A week or so later, they are thrilled to hear that local record stores are stocking the song and that the kids are crazy about it.  They go into a shop to buy one - but, horror of horrors, it's not his version of the song!  It's the fictional- megastar-whose-name-I-forgot-but-who-is-obviously-supposed-to-be-Pat-Boone's version!  This bit actually made me laugh - the irony being that Elvis would end up doing this to an assload of younger or newer (or blacker) artists.  Actually, strike that, he already had with both "Hound Dog" and "Tutti Frutti".

Elvis/Vince hates the idea of shopping around for a new label when this one screwed him so badly, so he fool-hardily suggests to Peggy that they make their own record label.  She agrees, not so much out of good sense as out of arousal.  She takes Elvis/Vince to meet her parents and he tactfully says "Hey, guys, I'm a convict, remember?!" when they are introduced.  He then throws a pouty hissyfit and storms out when her parents' friends have the audacity to ask his opinion about jazz.  She chases after him and he kisses her before storming off like a third grader. 

He records some new songs and becomes a huge star.  He and Peggy vow to keep it strictly business between the two of them.  She stays in wherever-they're-from and he goes off on tour.  He's having a crazy showbiz party in what is presumably L.A. when Hunk shows up at the door.  He's out of prison and ready for another shot at the big-time!  Elvis/Vince reluctantly agrees to give Hunk a spot on a television showcase he's doing.

During the filming, we see Elvis/Vince's number: the vaguely homoerotic and super-awesome titular song.  By contrast, Hunk gets about 8 bars into his hillbilly song before the producer is like - this ain't Hee-Haw, bro, we're cutting you.  Hunk is upset and confronts Elvis/Vince, who says there isn't anything he can do about it: Hunk's style of music is washed up and he can't be a performer anymore.  Elvis/Vince says that, however, he is willing to keep him on salary as part of his entourage and pay him a cut of his earnings, just not a 50/50 deal like they decided upon in prison.  Hunk's pride is wounded, but he takes the deal anyway.

Elvis/Vince's ego spirals out of control.  He stares at the phone, yearning for Peggy to call, but will not call her for some stupid reason that I assume is related to being a man.  She shows up at one of Elvis/Vince's L.A. parties and they argue over whether or not to sell the label to the bigger label that fucked them over on Elvis/Vince's demo.  Elvis/Vince argues that it'll mean a lot more money, Peggy argues that she has a damn soul and likes having their own label.  Peggy storms out.  Hunk returns from walking Elvis/Vince's dogs, one of the many bitch-jobs that Elvis/Vince has been giving him.  

Elvis and dogs: the most perfect picture of all time.

Hunk is wasted and tells Elvis/Vince that he has turned into a monster: treating other people like dirt as long as it means more money and fame for him.  Hunk starts throwing punches and Elvis/Vince refuses to fight with him.  One punch from Hunk, however, hits Elvis/Vince straight in the throat - he can barely breathe and is taken to the hospital.

At the hospital we find out that it's a shaky proposition that Elvis/Vince will ever sing again.  Peggy rushes to his side, along with a repentant Hunk.  Elvis/Vince can't speak, but he pats Hunk in a reassuring way that shows he understands why he was clocked in the throat.  

After release from the hospital, Elvis/Vince slowly gains his voice back but is terrified to attempt singing again.  The doctor and Peggy gently encourage him and, SURPRISE, he can sing again!  He and Peggy embrace, presumably don't sell the record label, and the movie ends.

Elvis Hotness: Blazing.  His character is an annoying pouty brat - but he is so gorgeous that you almost don't care.

The Stinger:  (PEGGY and ELVIS/VINCE kiss.)  PEGGY: How dare you think that such cheap tactics would work with me!  ELVIS/VINCE: It ain't tactics, honey.  It's just the beast in me.

Best Number: Do you even need to ask?

Clambake

N and I were thrilled to find Clambake on Netflix Instant.  It was Elvis' least favorite of all the films he made - and when you consider that in Fun In Acapulco he plays a traumatized trapeze artist, that's really saying something.

Elvis is driving down a highway in Florida, over the hilarious title song - which consists of the brilliant and effervescent lyrics: "Claaaaaambake, gonna have a clambake!"  The title card has what can only be referred to as Jazz Hepcat font.



He pulls off at a Hayward Oil gas station and hops out of the car.  We hear a phone ring and the attendant is bewildered to announce that it's coming from inside the car!

This is the movie's clever way of informing us that Elvis is a millionaire - the heir to the fortune of Duster Hayward, a Texas oil tycoon.  His mother wants him to come home, but Scott (Elvis) Hayward wants to prove he can make it on his own, without his parents' money.  He'll come home when he feels like it!

 Elvis only takes phone calls from the future.

Another dude at the gas station, Tom Wilson, overhears this and chimes in with what we're all thinking - yeah, Scott, would that we all had the problem of being so damn rich we don't know who we are.  Tom is just a humble water-skiing instructor about to report to his latest job at a hotel on the waterfront.  This gives Scott an idea!

Cut to Tom driving Scott's expensive, flashy car (the car of choice if you don't want to be noticed for your money) and Scott joyfully riding Tom's motorcycle.  They are switching places (for how long?  Who the hell knows!) to escape their problems for a while.  Because nothing has ever gone wrong in that situation, right?

Elvis/Tom/Scott enjoys being ignored as the ski instructor and Scott/Tom enjoys prancing around the hotel in an outfit that makes him look like the Rich Texan on The Simpsons.  Elvis/Tom/Scott becomes quite enamored of his first student, Dianne - who, as it turns out, really doesn't need an ski instructor at all.   She is merely trying to gain the attention of James Jamison III - champion boat-racer and millionaire designer of ladies' pajamas.

And millionaires love a bitch who can water-ski.

Dianne confesses to Elvis/Tom/Scott that she is dirt poor and saved for months just to come to Miami to fetch a millionaire husband.  Elvis/Tom/Scott is obviously torn - disgust for her motives, arousal by her lady-bits.  He says he's not sure about this James Jamison III character, but vows to help her with her gold-digging anyway.  What's an oil tycoon to do?

In the meantime, Elvis/Tom/Scott makes the acquaintance of Sam Burton - a boat manufacturer whose hull shattered to pieces in last year's Big Boat Race (I have no idea what the boat race is actually called).  Elvis/Tom/Scott offers to help him out, saying that he "used to have a job" as a chemist for Hayward Oil and was working on a hardening varnish that, if coated on the boat hull, could very well win them the race this year.  Burton accepts the offer and Elvis/Tom/Scott works on it after his ski instructor shift is over every night.  This is possibly your only opportunity to ever see Elvis - the chemical engineer!

 Note to self: fire Colonel Parker.

James Jamison III is a total creeptown with Dianne, but she grins and bears it because, well, he's loaded.  On their first date they run into Elvis/Tom/Scott and Scott/Tom singing a song to a little girl that's terrified to go down a slide (yes, you read that sentence correctly).  Dianne sees that Elvis/Tom/Scott is the superior candidate with a good heart, but continues her gold-digging scheme with James Jamison III.  Elvis/Tom/Scott resists the constant urge to do an elaborate "TOLD YOU SO" dance, probably because he's been inhaling too many boat-hardening chemicals to really get a solid split-jump in there.

As the boat race looms, Elvis/Tom/Scott's mother lets slip to Duster that he's in Miami and at the hotel (which is strange considering Elvis/Tom/Scott never tells his mother where he's staying).  Duster breezes into town to drag his boy back to Texas by the ear.  Problem is, everyone at the hotel thinks Scott/Tom is Elvis/Tom/Scott.  And Scott/Tom has been doing some crazy drinking, womanizing, and cigar-smoking.  Duster says his son would never (never!) do such a thing, and sits down at the bar presumably confused and in need of a bourbon.  Burton happens to sit next to him and straightens out the whole mess - pointing over at Scott/Tom and saying that he's the Hayward boy, right?  

Duster confronts Elvis/Tom/Scott in the boathouse where he's working on the hull.  Doesn't he know that he loves him and has always trusted him?  He needs to come home and assume the difficult mantle of being a gazillionaire!  Elvis/Tom/Scott is like, dude - I need to make it on my own!  They agree that, for some reason, Elvis/Tom/Scott's worth rides on this race and whether or not his magical boat hardener actually works.

Here's the surprise: it does.

Feeling that he's proved himself to his father, Elvis/Tom/Scott agrees to go home.  Simultaneously, Dianne finally hits her douchebaggery quota and gets rid of James Jamison III.  Elvis/Tom/Scott proposes and Dianne accepts.  But it's only after this that Elvis/Tom/Scott reveals that he is, in fact, Elvis/Scott - the billionaire! 

There is also a clambake in there somewhere.

Elvis Hotness: Non-existent.  This movie is notorious for the fact that Elvis was so tired and dependent on prescription drugs that he gained some serious weight and in general looks like absolute hell.

The Stinger: When Elvis/Tom/Scott rescues Dianne from Grabbyhands Jamison.  Jamison says "I KNOW KARATE!" and strikes a pose.  Elvis/Tom/Scott rolls his eyes and punches the guy.

Best Number:  The word "best" is a stretch here, but "Confidence" is probably the most memorable.

Viva Las Vegas

This all started quite innocently.  I am a huge Elvis fan and yet I had never seen any of his movies.  I had heard, much like all other thinking people have heard, that they were laughably pathetic thinly-veiled attempts to milk more profit out of Elvis' celebrity.  (They are.)  However, Viva Las Vegas was placed in my Netflix queue anyway - I had to see for myself right?

So my sometime co-watcher Nichole and myself settled in, not knowing what the hell was about to happen to us.

We are introduced to Elvis as Lucky Jackson, a race-car driver who wins some cash at a casino to pay for the motor that will make his car win the upcoming Las Vegas Grand Prix.  He literally falls in a pool while chasing after Ann-Margret and the wad of cash gets thrown into a pool jet by the stupidest kid in the universe.  Lucky decides to take up a job at the hotel to finance the motor.

 I always respond to my stalkers in song.

We also meet his ridiculous sidekick Shorty, who has a vaguely Brooklyn accent.  Shorty works in a garage and is constantly insisting "we gotta win the race, Lucky!"  We theorized that Shorty's backstory involves him owing the mob some serious money, it is the only reason he could be so annoyingly insistent about it even when Lucky is obviously busy trying to plow Ann-Margret.

Anyway, there is some catty banter betwixt Lucky and his chief rival for the Grand Prix: Elmo Mancini.  That's right: the villain's name is freaking Elmo, who is also his rival for the hand of Ann-Margret's character, Rusty Martin.  Elmo is French or something, even though his last name is not.  Lucky and Elmo (which sounds like a show on Nickelodeon) only see Rusty briefly and she's beautiful so, naturally, they assume she's a showgirl somewhere around town.  She's not: it turns out she's a swimming pool manager.  Let me say that again: swimming pool manager.  Is Ann-Margret's job.

Rusty is fought over by Lucky and Elmo, all the while the clock is ticking (and Shorty is nagging) on fixing the motor and winning the ever-looming race.  Lucky does find time to take Rusty on the most inexplicable first-date of all time, which includes them water-skiing, riding motorcycles, taking a helicopter ride, and participating in what can only be described as a hallucinatory Old West shootout.

She actually does this in the movie. Which takes place in 1964.

When the race finally does happen, Rusty, her dad (who she lives with in what looks like a renovated pool), and Shorty (who can somehow fly this thing) follow its progress in a helicopter.  Rusty spends the entire movie telling Lucky that she could never be with him because he'll never give up racing and it's too dangerous.  And then, naturally, when he wins the race - nevermind!  Let's get married!

Nothing solves everything forever like a wedding.

Elvis Hotness: Still intact, although he doesn't get many sexy moments in the movie. 

The Stinger: Ann-Margret sings a song about how her rival is a race-car, and proceeds to make sandwiches that consist of nothing but ketchup and mustard while doing so.

Best Number: "C'mon Everybody".  I really want someone to make a GIF of when Elvis and Ann-Margret look to the left in rhythm - it's inexplicably hypnotic.

Caught In A Trap

Okay, people.  So this whole "watching Elvis movies" thing has become... a hobby.  A fascination.  A drug. 

They are so ridiculous and wonderful that Nichole and I can't stop watching them.  In the past three weeks I've seen eight of his thirty-one films.  What is it about them?  They are absurd, joyful messes.  I haven't watched a single one where I haven't nearly died of laughter.  They are an absolute non-sequitur of art.

So, I've decided not to fight it.  As of now a regular feature on this wee blog of mine is me, working my bemused way through Elvis Presley's film canon.

Can I promise I will make it through all of them without going crazy?  Absolutely not.  Can I even promise to keep to a regular watching schedule?  Fuck no, I can't.  But every time I watch one: you, gentle readers, will hear about it.

My next entry will start at the beginning of my journey with Viva Las Vegas.